Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Divorce Jokes

Divorce can be a very rough moment in life and people say that laughter is the best medicine. Here are some divorce jokes to make you laugh when the going gets tough:

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore so I'd have to give it up.
A day later I caught her spending $100.00 on make-up. So I asked her, how come I had to give up stuff but she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19. 95, Shopping Barbie for $19. 95, Beach Barbie for $19. 95, Disco Barbie for $19. 95, Ballerina Barbie For $19. 95, Astronaut Barbie for $19. 95, Skater Barbie for $19. 95, and Divorced Barbie for $265. 95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265. 95 and the others only $19. 95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir... , Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's family jewels."

A man comes home one day and says to his wife "Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"

His wife replies "Id take half then leave you."

He responds "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's five, now get the hell out of here!"

Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull
up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over,
"So... out looking for a little, huh?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with
you. Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"

"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women
would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry
and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce.
I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving
65 mph."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."